i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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