I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
there is puke in my bra ... again
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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