Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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