She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
