sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
