I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
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