I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
