You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
