Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize