I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Fuck appropriateness.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
