I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
