You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
