I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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