What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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