the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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