Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize