Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
