So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
