i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
