I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
