Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
