it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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