Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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