My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
