I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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