If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Someone came in the potted fern
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
