i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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