Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
