I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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