I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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