I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My balls are so social today.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
