i jhust puked up my retainher.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
