i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
