Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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