Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
