i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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