It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
