who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
