It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
