8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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