Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
