Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
do herpes really smell.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
