Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
