dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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