She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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