how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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