My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
