Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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