Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
