Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
