Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
