I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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