a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
