You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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