so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
