I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
