he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
