I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just fell off a train. Bad.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Randomize
