Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
