loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
