Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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