We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
